Nov

Here it is Saturday night and I’m sitting home alone, per the normal. I wished I knew what was wrong with me. and I mean the me inside. I can’t do anything about my physical form. I wished I could, but I can’t. While I realize that 99% of all gay people are superficial, for some reason part of me still has hope of finding the 1% that still looks on the inside.

I wish I could express into words what it does to you when you go years without being touched. How i long to have someone’s lips against mine; or wake up next to me; run their fingers through my hair.

What sucks even more is I know i’ll never experience any of those ever again.

Something no one should ever feel. Worse than hell itself.

Oct

why people are still amazed why i prefer games over people….

Sep

mmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

This is the most fun I’ve had listening to music ever.  This dj dude does music mashups.  Various bits and peices from tons of different songs to mesh one big song.  I say its fun cause its fun to pick out which song is which…

Check out his myspace @ http://www.myspace.com/girltalk - “Play Your Part Pt 1″ and “No Pause” are my favorites.

So. Fucking. Awesome. If not awesome then definitely time consuming.

Sep

So, if ya’ll are ever wondering who the fuck would stoop so low to join Match.com or something of that nature, look no further.  o/

We get weekly emails of different matches that match.com thinks would be ideal for me.  Yet, every time I get one and briefly look over their profile, I don’t feel ANYTHING.  Its not that I don’t find them attractive as most of them are.  Its just I can instantly tell that it won’t work.

I determined that I don’t think I could date someone who isn’t TPR (Totally Post Rock).  Music to me is way more than just words and lyrics.  Its emotional.  And so far every Post Rock Band has been able to convey those emotions by far better with their music than lyrics.  I think I could only date someone who, not only appreciates that, but experiences that as well.

I thought I would want someone who was into video games as well, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I think I want (need?) someone to take me from games, and I could use games as my away time from him.  Not that I would be adamat on this point, nor would I turn someone away because they’re a gamer (gaymer, haha).

Most of all I just wished there was some sort of plan or guide or something to tell me that there’s someone worth waiting for.  With every email I get, I loose that much more hope.  I’m pretty sure love’s calculated on the chaos theory, but I’d still like to believe that there’s someone out there thats perfect for me.

-

Today’s music find is 65 Days of Static.  The first CD I listened to was only a single called “Retreat! Retreat!”  Still worth listening too but was recommended to listen to “Fall of Math”, “Destruction of Small Ideas” and “One Time for All Time”.  Will find and keep you all posted.

Sep

So Friday night Kevin and I had a nice long chat.  I was a giant step in the right direction I think.  While I still don’t think we’re “Ok” (atleast I’m not) I think it helped tremendously.  I also think time will heal the rest of the wound.  Either way, it does feel good talking to him again.

So I’ve really been wanting to see Mogwai in concert.  They’re all over the US, but sadly too far from me for me to be able to go :(  Opening for them is a band called Holy Fuck.  So I decided to give it a go today and all I can say is HOLY FUCK.  Such emotionally packed music, simply amazing.  I think Frenchy’s and Lovely Allen are by far my favorites.  Plus I get to say Holy Fuck

Post Rock is simply the most amazing thing ever invented.  Every time I listen to a new band (or a new-to-me band) I’m simply floored by how awesome it is.

Sep

Well Kevin and I started talking again.  While I know we’re still not "ok" and that we still have a lot to work through — it was still nice to be able to talk.  We did ok until tonight when he fell back into his normal HO and "forgot" he was talking to me.  I still haven’t heard from Mark but I’m pretty much guessing that he’s done with me.

I stumbled upon a great band today called "Why?"  They seem rather eclectic, which we all know how much I <3 eclectic.  If you can get your hands on it, get Alopecta.  Amazing stuff.

So last night I had another odd dream about Brandon.  It pisses me off when I have dreams about him.  I haven’t talked to him in over 4 years.  Why does he keep popping up in my dreams?  I mean, I still hope for a day where we can talk again but last night dream didn’t involve talking.  Maybe because i haven’t gotten any in a really REALLY long time, but still, I don’t want to think of him in that nature.  I would just give about anything to talk to him again tho :/

Oh, and I also went back and did some fine tuning on some old photographs that i took with some friends going to Clifty Falls State Park in Indiana.  That was the most brilliant day.  I miss you Ryan!!  You can see Clifty Falls Here.

Sep

Found a great band on The 61 the other day.  Check out "Burning off Impurities" by Grails…

You can listen to it here.

Sep

Sep

I was cleaning up my mp3’s when I found several “Unknowns” in the mix.  I had forgotten that I downloaded a few songs from the new (unreleased?) album from “Anger of the Lamb”.  Great stuff, if you like a mix of Orgy and Nine Inch Nails…

Enjoy:

You can find out more about them here:

http://www.garageband.com/song?|pe1|WdjZPXLrvP2rZFK2Ymlm

Sep

Was browsing the website "After the Post Rock" (http://www.afterthepostrock.com) and found out about this band.  Find the song called "Gathering Peices" ~ Simply Amazing.

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